sometimes i wonder why im still here. . .looking at everyone who died in the past made me realize i guess i am pretty grateful for living & i guess i have to stop being so selfish.
but at the same time. . instead of anthony dying i wish i did. . he would have accomplished more than im doing right now. . if my babygirl didnt have such a big heart for her age maybe she'd still be here. .if my dad wasn't a drunk my mom would be here. .if my bestfriend tiff didnt get into that car she'd be here right now. . if that guy who was looking for me didn't shoot my sister she'd be here ='( i miss you so much Diana.
lately i was thinking about all the people who i know now. . & ALL of them has done something really fucked up in the past that i never really paid attention to . .
they turned their backs on me. .and im just thinking to myself WOW why am i still talking to you?? or you?? i always wondered . . why the ones who never turned their back on me had to be taken away year by year and so soon. . ."what am i doing right that god wont take my life?"
im not giving someone a chance they deserve anymore . . simply because of the distance & knowing how much i love him . .it scares me. .that word...i never want to say it. .theres so much more behind those four letters that no one will ever understand.
today at the gym i see a body of 5'3 girl weighing 136 lbs and im not happy. .i can look so much better . .a guy said "wow your gorgeous. .you must be married" idk why i took offense to it =[ im NOT married, i will never get married & just because im "gorgeous" i have to be taken? why do guys think just because im a "rich",interesting & "beautiful" girl that im in a relationship? i HATE that. .thats what makes it so hard for me to meet new people, simply for the fact that they judge me before asking me any simple little question.
i miss my brothers =[ i miss my sister =[ most of all . .i miss my mom. .no one can EVER replace her. my aunt & stepmom tries but they can never match up to my mom. :'(
lets take a look at my life:
- born in 89
- met someone . . a wrong someone
- got pregnant when i was 14 - didnt know what to do
- had my babygirl a few days before my 15th bday
- watched my mom pass away right before my eyes
- found out because of GANGS my babygirls dad Luis "macho" Santiago passed away
- met lovelyyy Anthony then he passed away a yr ago :'(
- got into about 5 car accidents w| friends
- lost a large number of people
- met new friends. . someone named Sabbath changed my life around . .almost drove me to kill myself . .which brings me to..
- . . trying to commit suicide. (idk what was flowing thru my mind . .i just wanted to feel a different pain for once)
- soon after ALL that i got back up and became a stronger person. .learned from my mistakes...took everything in and let everything that was fuckin me up go. .i learned to let shit ride out before i got back on my feet. .
reading that .. do you still think i should be as happy?
just because im more wealthy than others, doesnt mean i should be happy . .i smilee all the time because its the only thing that wont bring me down . .i want others to think im happy so they wont question me. .i want people to understand that just because i seem happy doesnt mean i am. .
Milo dont take any offense to this blog. .you know me. end of story.
;; going clubbing . . drink party & get fcked up. .hm same old Ashlee.
pce.
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2 comments:
dont forget me..its hard not to take this offensively tho..*sigh
Sabbath...thats the kid who i was talking about..
well your probably guna drink and wont call..so talk to me wen u get this or sooner
I Love you
Wow.. You have been through so much. But my theory is that the things we go through are what make us who we are today, without all your life experiences you might not be as respectful, successfull, and knowledgable as you are today. If your life was full of sweetness you may not have learned the things you have. Be confident and happy and never accept anything less than perfect.
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