sometimes i wonder why im still here. . .looking at everyone who died in the past made me realize i guess i am pretty grateful for living & i guess i have to stop being so selfish.
but at the same time. . instead of anthony dying i wish i did. . he would have accomplished more than im doing right now. . if my babygirl didnt have such a big heart for her age maybe she'd still be here. .if my dad wasn't a drunk my mom would be here. .if my bestfriend tiff didnt get into that car she'd be here right now. . if that guy who was looking for me didn't shoot my sister she'd be here ='( i miss you so much Diana.
lately i was thinking about all the people who i know now. . & ALL of them has done something really fucked up in the past that i never really paid attention to . .
they turned their backs on me. .and im just thinking to myself WOW why am i still talking to you?? or you?? i always wondered . . why the ones who never turned their back on me had to be taken away year by year and so soon. . ."what am i doing right that god wont take my life?"
im not giving someone a chance they deserve anymore . . simply because of the distance & knowing how much i love him . .it scares me. .that word...i never want to say it. .theres so much more behind those four letters that no one will ever understand.
today at the gym i see a body of 5'3 girl weighing 136 lbs and im not happy. .i can look so much better . .a guy said "wow your gorgeous. .you must be married" idk why i took offense to it =[ im NOT married, i will never get married & just because im "gorgeous" i have to be taken? why do guys think just because im a "rich",interesting & "beautiful" girl that im in a relationship? i HATE that. .thats what makes it so hard for me to meet new people, simply for the fact that they judge me before asking me any simple little question.
i miss my brothers =[ i miss my sister =[ most of all . .i miss my mom. .no one can EVER replace her. my aunt & stepmom tries but they can never match up to my mom. :'(
lets take a look at my life:
- born in 89
- met someone . . a wrong someone
- got pregnant when i was 14 - didnt know what to do
- had my babygirl a few days before my 15th bday
- watched my mom pass away right before my eyes
- found out because of GANGS my babygirls dad Luis "macho" Santiago passed away
- met lovelyyy Anthony then he passed away a yr ago :'(
- got into about 5 car accidents w| friends
- lost a large number of people
- met new friends. . someone named Sabbath changed my life around . .almost drove me to kill myself . .which brings me to..
- . . trying to commit suicide. (idk what was flowing thru my mind . .i just wanted to feel a different pain for once)
- soon after ALL that i got back up and became a stronger person. .learned from my mistakes...took everything in and let everything that was fuckin me up go. .i learned to let shit ride out before i got back on my feet. .
reading that .. do you still think i should be as happy?
just because im more wealthy than others, doesnt mean i should be happy . .i smilee all the time because its the only thing that wont bring me down . .i want others to think im happy so they wont question me. .i want people to understand that just because i seem happy doesnt mean i am. .
Milo dont take any offense to this blog. .you know me. end of story.
;; going clubbing . . drink party & get fcked up. .hm same old Ashlee.
pce.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
before i leave for work . . .
just wanted it to be known, my life sucks major fuckin balls. sometimes i just wish i would lose it sooner or later.
-ashlee.
-ashlee.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
loooook =X fat me & skinny me after my surgery
old:
me and my baby girl after she was born thats when i hit rock bottom and officially gained 56 lbs. i went from the 130s to the 150s in less than idk how many months. i was young too so that explains most of it. but the one below this one was from a yr or so ago. and now after my surgery to remove the cancer i lost all of it back again lol now im on a diet and going back to the old me (like you see in my profile picture) slowly but surely.
new:
well i have to upload them from my camera
=/ by tomorrow.
yo promesa.
me and my baby girl after she was born thats when i hit rock bottom and officially gained 56 lbs. i went from the 130s to the 150s in less than idk how many months. i was young too so that explains most of it. but the one below this one was from a yr or so ago. and now after my surgery to remove the cancer i lost all of it back again lol now im on a diet and going back to the old me (like you see in my profile picture) slowly but surely.
new:
well i have to upload them from my camera
=/ by tomorrow.
yo promesa.
just so there isn't a confusion.
im 5'3
- different colored eyes
& i lost ALOT of weight.
i use to have a myspace with pictures from a while back when i use to be a little chubby.
the pics i used before on my first page are really how i look. as people stated i was "a fake" no not at all - ask my brother if you wish myspace.com/yo_soy_el_mejor_chris
im still the same ashlee, i just posted different pictures from different time periods
(when i was prego & before that)
- different colored eyes
& i lost ALOT of weight.
i use to have a myspace with pictures from a while back when i use to be a little chubby.
the pics i used before on my first page are really how i look. as people stated i was "a fake" no not at all - ask my brother if you wish myspace.com/yo_soy_el_mejor_chris
im still the same ashlee, i just posted different pictures from different time periods
(when i was prego & before that)
life to me now. . .
well i just got out of a really horrible relationship. i was with this guy named Eric for a few months. . .until i found out about his baby on the way. and he lashed out on me. i admit it hurts. . i was shocked. i didn't think that would ever happen to me. i havent told anyone about him or our relationship. . and now i know why.
i dont really see the point in a relationship or being tied down. i dont see the point in having a very unloyaly and dishonest boyfriend. i find it hard to just let go. . well i use to . . . until now im happy we arent together anymore he cheated on me numerous of times. im not dumb but i just never really showed it any emotion. im use to it. . isnt that weird?
hey milo i read one of your blogs where it said something about a guy treating girls like shit because their stupid and boring. . .i dont think thats what happened to me but i totally agree with you. none the less i think your so right about everything you say.
so anyway now that im talking about YOU i might as well go on. i have never met someone like you. so loving and caring. . well subtract our fall out but for some reason i love the fact that your always there for me. no matter what happens i know i can count on you. like nothing really matters when we talk about some stuff. . .i love everything about you . you know that ;)
but back to the title of this stupid blog. lifee to me now is better then ever before. i dont cry anymore. i use to cry almost everyday. any little thing just made me cry for hours of the day. im more focused on anything before. within the last two years ive basically traveled almost every where i wanted
- france
- italy
- f.l
- cali
- new york of course
- p.r
- d.r
- ecuador
- Chile
. . .all because of my job and the fashion stuff.
except for Chile that was probably the best place ive been its really sad how much they go through over there in South America but i enjoyed myself.
i use to be this little depressing and sad person but ever since i got my head back in the books i left so much shit where it needs to stay. . . in the past.
i dont bring up my lovley ex dying a few days before my birthday anymore - i think about it but not as much. my mom dying right before my eyes. and my little brother always in and out of the hospital hes fine tho. & most of all how much my family and i are separated. less contact everywhere. the little things i look forward to now brings me so much joy and happiness. and im fine with that. im sure theres someone out there for me. someone who will understand me. . . but im waiting now. when im done with school and get my degree in nursing i'll be settled down or something. but for now. im just living like i should be. its my last year as a teenager i need to do as much as possible.
- Ash.
i dont really see the point in a relationship or being tied down. i dont see the point in having a very unloyaly and dishonest boyfriend. i find it hard to just let go. . well i use to . . . until now im happy we arent together anymore he cheated on me numerous of times. im not dumb but i just never really showed it any emotion. im use to it. . isnt that weird?
hey milo i read one of your blogs where it said something about a guy treating girls like shit because their stupid and boring. . .i dont think thats what happened to me but i totally agree with you. none the less i think your so right about everything you say.
so anyway now that im talking about YOU i might as well go on. i have never met someone like you. so loving and caring. . well subtract our fall out but for some reason i love the fact that your always there for me. no matter what happens i know i can count on you. like nothing really matters when we talk about some stuff. . .i love everything about you . you know that ;)
but back to the title of this stupid blog. lifee to me now is better then ever before. i dont cry anymore. i use to cry almost everyday. any little thing just made me cry for hours of the day. im more focused on anything before. within the last two years ive basically traveled almost every where i wanted
- france
- italy
- f.l
- cali
- new york of course
- p.r
- d.r
- ecuador
- Chile
. . .all because of my job and the fashion stuff.
except for Chile that was probably the best place ive been its really sad how much they go through over there in South America but i enjoyed myself.
i use to be this little depressing and sad person but ever since i got my head back in the books i left so much shit where it needs to stay. . . in the past.
i dont bring up my lovley ex dying a few days before my birthday anymore - i think about it but not as much. my mom dying right before my eyes. and my little brother always in and out of the hospital hes fine tho. & most of all how much my family and i are separated. less contact everywhere. the little things i look forward to now brings me so much joy and happiness. and im fine with that. im sure theres someone out there for me. someone who will understand me. . . but im waiting now. when im done with school and get my degree in nursing i'll be settled down or something. but for now. im just living like i should be. its my last year as a teenager i need to do as much as possible.
- Ash.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
